My sister and I spent years being caretakers for our Mom, who had emphysema and copd. Last year, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Being a caretaker got busier; more hectic; crazier. Daily appointments- chemo, radiation. Aides, nurses, PT, OT people in and out of our home every day. Hospital stays. Transitional care facilities. I was fortunate that my work place let me work when I could. Sometimes I worked early in the morning before going to the hospital or appointments. Sometimes I worked late in the evening. Sometimes I worked in little bits between things. Sometimes I worked over night. My sister and I were on different sleep schedules as she was generally the day time care provider and I took over in the evenings after work, before everything got nuttier with the addition of the cancer diagnosis. Then it felt like we were both pulled in all directions at all hours of the day and night.
Mom died 5 months after her cancer diagnosis. The evenings lay ahead of me long, lonely, and silent. My sister was sleeping. Mom was gone. Most of my friends have husbands, kids, or both. It was so depressing, having nothing to do and no one to spend time with. I would go to bed at 3:30 PM. 4 PM. 5 PM. As soon as I could, in hopes of falling asleep so I could escape reality.
Eventually, evenings got better. I found ways to entertain myself- tv; fortnite, etc. I still went to bed early a lot, but more like 7:30, 8:00, 8:30. I would get bored, but I wasn’t drowning in loneliness anymore. And then, about a month ago, I moved. And it’s like starting back at square one in the evenings. I’m restless. Drowning. But it’ll be fine. I just need a minute.
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